Sunday, March 4, 2007

more positivity...

Just read a blog on sparkpeople....it was very positive and talked about celebrating who we are, and finding and celebrating our successes....and it talked about the negative voice within....oh baby do i have a hard task master within!!! Was just sitting here lamenting a little bit about the last few days and how i haven't been tracking...Now i am going to think about all the positive things of the last few days. That's what my 1000 actions thingy is on sparkpeople too, documenting all the individual steps i have taken towards my goal. This isn't an airy fairy thing, ignoring the less than good, or using this as an excuse to carry on......i am more than aware of the 'bad'...but i need not to dwell on it, i need to forgive myself and move on, and find the 'good' and celebrate it.

1. didn't have anything at Mcdonalds yesterday
2. am feeling relaxed, and am looking after myself and not being too hard on myself
3. drinking from a smaller glass, and being a bit more aware of how much!
4. didn't have a donut at church yesterday....didn't even really care!
5. am enjoying myself, each day! this is my life!! i'm not wasting it by denying myself and looking forward to some magical day when i am thin and therefore my real life can start....
6. am learning to listen to both my voices...they are often in conflict....do it, vs don't do it!!! it's a bit tricky to know which to follow, but at least i am listening gently and trying to figure out the best way....
better go, kids running wild!!!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

peace and calm

have been meditating a bit lately...i love it!!!

Have been thinking about being calm....my mornings are often fraught with tension and mess and screaming fighting kids who don't listen to a word i say let alone actually get off their behinds to DO what i say!! So have been thinking about how to maintain my inner calm....

I realised that insteaed of waiting for calm to appear magically....when all the planets were aligned or something...ie when such and such happens then i'll be happy/calm/contented/have my life sorted/be perfect....i realised:

to have calm i must BE calm

to have peace i must BE peace

it is something i can DO....not wait passively for....but choose to do. It's like a meditation i did the other day at http://meditation.org.au/online.asp they were talking about the meaning of life...they said think about what gives your life meaning.....my kids, my husband, my health, my thoughts, music, god, my wider family, wine :-), my environment.....And so i realised that if i focused on these things...i am living a meaningful life. We are always waiting for things to happen to us, for real life to begin, for meaning, for happiness, to arrive at THAT place where we think we should be.......but we are there. Funny how if you turn it around and think about what brings meaning...it's there... So the same is for peace and calm, stop wishing for calm, BE calm. It's a verb. Like love.

Monday, February 26, 2007

the power of positive thinking....

i can cope with the housework.....

really?

yes!

i can cope with the kids in a loving way......

really?

yes!

i can adopt a healthy lifestyle one thoughtful, loving step at a time.....

really?

yes!


Of course i can do all of these things...housework isn't brain surgery!! I just need to breathe, be positive, stop thinking about it and do it!! The kids aren't brain surgery either...they just require patience, understanding of what is normal for them and what is naughty, and quit with the expectations. They need to learn to listen, they aren't born knowing!! I need to employ damage control, not expect them to always listen and learn and watch what they are doing and be nice to each other and talk quietly!!!! I need to concentrate on what IS, not some high-falluting idea of perfection that I think they SHOULD be. They are noisy and chaotic, that is normal. The morning will be noisy and chaotic too. If clutter bothers me, then i should do something about it. I need to accept my life exactly as it is, right now, at this minute......it will probably be a little cluttered! But also if it's a priority for me then i should do something about it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

forgiveness/learning/guilt

hello again! Am a bit happier today as have lost some weight.......but was really thinking last night, is it all worth it, ie is all the struggling worth being skinny? I can't maintain this lifestyle forever, which is what i would need to do to be skinny forever....i just don't think that it's realistic. But i guess it's only really been this year, and i've made progress this year already, mentally....if i don't try i'll never get anywhere.... and when i come up against issues then if i just throw my hands up and say it's too hard and give up then again i'll never get anywhere....but what if it is really really hard???? :-) well then just keep treading water...i've been the way i am for 32 years, it won't change overnight...and i suppose that the harder the issue is to deal with the more progress i will make, ie the more valuable it will be to work through it. But i also think i could stop being so goal oriented and try and enjoy the process a bit more....stop thinking when i get here or there everything will be fine.

I am battling at the moment with feeling deprived and then binging...ie overdoing it...with food/alcohol. That's not helpful...i don't want to undo all my good work.....but mentally it's not balanced or healthy either. A balanced healthy mind would have a bit of this and that and sort through my feelings and be assertive and look after my self and always do the right thing and never feel guilty....WOW!! another light bulb went on!! that sounds just like a PERFECT mind to me, not a normal human one!! I am always aiming for perfection, not to just be human!!! But i don't like being out of control, i don't like binging, i don't like being hungover, i don't like yelling at the kids, i don't like feeling angry and tense, i don't like feeling worried....if i have to accept this as my shadow or as part of being human.....i don't know if i can......because these traits bring me pain. Why are these things painful? because i am hurting myself by doing them because i know they're not rational ways of behaving and because i EXPECT better of myself and feel guilty...... maybe these could be some steps:

- realise when i am behaving in ways that i don't like
- accept that it has happened and don't feel guilty - i am normal
- forgive myself
- learn from it
- give myself time and be patient

Because if i carry on just the same i will cycle from trying to be perfect to blowing up to feeling guilty to trying to be perfect etc etc......if i can do damage control like walking away and taking deep breaths and not trying to figure out the rights and wrongs of a situation, just calm down, then that will be a very good start!!!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

....continued

thanks just jude!!xxx

so dad was saying all these nice things about me and so i started thinking yesterday, what if i don't need improving???? It's certainly easyt to say that we should all accept ouselves just the way we are...we all know that....but what if i really really don't need improving? Not just because i've already reached a certain level, not just because of what dad said, but because i'm human and not perfect, and that's ok???? God made me who i am, he made all of us to be imperfect, we really have to stop striving for oerfection, it's just not going to happen. I am so sick of struggling all the time to be different. It just mplies that I'm not good enough. eg I wish i was skinnier, i wish i didn't worry so much, i wish i could say no more, i wish i was a better mother, i wish i could be more assertive,....all of that implies that there is something wrong with me. I am so sick of thinking like that, I AM SICK OF IT!!!! I see all these people on sparkpeople strugling struggling struggling....how can we live like that? You can't, you can't keep that up for any length of time, nor does it make for an enjoyable life. What a bloody waste, to be spending all this time trying to be things we're not and judging ourselves so harshly along the way, calling ourselves names like fat lazy weak sick damaged hopeless stupid....and being ashamed of ourselves and keeping all of it secret beacause we're embarassed of ourselves and then pretending like everything's fine to everyone, because we think we're so different to everybody else and if they saw the real us they would be disgusted and run......

I was thinking yesterday with the mountain thing what i would have at the top of the mountain to inspire me to try and get to the top....i was even going to cut out images from a magazine, and then i couldn't find any so i thought that i would visualise....so i tried to imagine a skinnyme in a beautiful dress....but do you know what i justy couldn'y get really excited....it just wasn't grabbing me...i thought why do i really want to be skinny......just that....why? What will that bring me??? and it seemes so shallow, just in and of itself.......i realised that it doesn't matter what i eat or what i drink or what i look like, it matters how i feel. I am so sick of aiming to be something i'm not, ie skinny, which just implies that there is something wrong with me now.

this will have to be continued too, better get on with the day! xxx

Monday, February 19, 2007

some revelations!!

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately.....

Yesterday was thinking about The Mountain.....i was imagining that my weight loss goals were at the top of a mountain and that i was headed towards them. I thought, to get to the top of the mountain i wouldn't rush, i would just take one bit at a time and have a rest...and get there at my own comfortable pace. I'd probably be a bit impatient though, that seems to be one of my characteristics. Then i realised that he mountain idea applied to the housework too.....one little bit at a time.

But today i've had some even better ideas!! My dad said some very complimentary things about me...he said that i was very intelligent and had very good pepole skills, and how much more could one human being do? Wow, what a big compliment. I guess i'm still after his approval!! to be continued.......