....continued

thanks just jude!!xxx

so dad was saying all these nice things about me and so i started thinking yesterday, what if i don't need improving???? It's certainly easyt to say that we should all accept ouselves just the way we are...we all know that....but what if i really really don't need improving? Not just because i've already reached a certain level, not just because of what dad said, but because i'm human and not perfect, and that's ok???? God made me who i am, he made all of us to be imperfect, we really have to stop striving for oerfection, it's just not going to happen. I am so sick of struggling all the time to be different. It just mplies that I'm not good enough. eg I wish i was skinnier, i wish i didn't worry so much, i wish i could say no more, i wish i was a better mother, i wish i could be more assertive,....all of that implies that there is something wrong with me. I am so sick of thinking like that, I AM SICK OF IT!!!! I see all these people on sparkpeople strugling struggling struggling....how can we live like that? You can't, you can't keep that up for any length of time, nor does it make for an enjoyable life. What a bloody waste, to be spending all this time trying to be things we're not and judging ourselves so harshly along the way, calling ourselves names like fat lazy weak sick damaged hopeless stupid....and being ashamed of ourselves and keeping all of it secret beacause we're embarassed of ourselves and then pretending like everything's fine to everyone, because we think we're so different to everybody else and if they saw the real us they would be disgusted and run......

I was thinking yesterday with the mountain thing what i would have at the top of the mountain to inspire me to try and get to the top....i was even going to cut out images from a magazine, and then i couldn't find any so i thought that i would visualise....so i tried to imagine a skinnyme in a beautiful dress....but do you know what i justy couldn'y get really excited....it just wasn't grabbing me...i thought why do i really want to be skinny......just that....why? What will that bring me??? and it seemes so shallow, just in and of itself.......i realised that it doesn't matter what i eat or what i drink or what i look like, it matters how i feel. I am so sick of aiming to be something i'm not, ie skinny, which just implies that there is something wrong with me now.

this will have to be continued too, better get on with the day! xxx