I am sooooo f-----g irritable today!
i don't know why...maybe i don't have to, maybe i never can know why
it seems so unreasonable...maybe nothing is unreasonable, if it's there it is REAL, it can't be helped, i didn't do it on purpose! The best thing to do is to try and fix it, relieve it
i don't know what to do about it
it makes me feel really guilty because i want to be a good mother and wife and person....so i guess deep down i think that if I'm irritable then I'm a bad mother/wife/person. Everyone has irritable times, but i feel like I'm more irritable than most, i feel irritable lots of the time. Maybe that is just me...My heart is certainly in the right place!! I suppose it's a function of my depression/anxiety and also of stress, so i have to manage these things to lessen my irritability.
How can i do this?
- take my pills
- eat/sleep/exercise properly
- manage my time
- not push myself too much
- be forgiving of me and others
- have plenty of down-time
- manage the clutter/housework....
wow - i feel better already!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Failure
I'm sooo excited....i've discovered a wonderful website: www.firstourselves.com which is about self-care and combatting perfectionism. Every post so far I love, they have really struck chords within. I'm reading a post now called Affirmation of the week: Failure helps me succeed....and it has started me thinking.
I fail all the time....I fail at being perfect. I fail at reaching my enormously high expectations. The post talks about how we learn from failure, and I'm sitting here not feeling sure what I learn. Actually I'm not sure I need to think about what I can learn and how I could do better - I know it, my inner me is screaming it out at me all the time. I berate myself and feel guilty and just crappy. Also, I need to be wary of ruminating too much over things...thinking about something and dissecting it and turning it over for what I could learn from it and therefore do better is possibly a little self-destructive.
I know that I will 'fail' every day. I think that the best lesson I can learn is about acceptance, and moving on, and positivity. For example: today I probably ate a few more calories than my alotted few...so I sit here feeling guilty. But I went to the gym this morning, i didn't drink any alcohol, i went for a big walk, and I didn't eat as much as I could have. And yesterday I did really well too...all these wonderul positive things to think about!!
So yes, failure will happen, and I can probably learn from it, and it is all part of the process...but I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm going to dwell in the positive, and try to accept me, forgive me, and move on :-)
I fail all the time....I fail at being perfect. I fail at reaching my enormously high expectations. The post talks about how we learn from failure, and I'm sitting here not feeling sure what I learn. Actually I'm not sure I need to think about what I can learn and how I could do better - I know it, my inner me is screaming it out at me all the time. I berate myself and feel guilty and just crappy. Also, I need to be wary of ruminating too much over things...thinking about something and dissecting it and turning it over for what I could learn from it and therefore do better is possibly a little self-destructive.
I know that I will 'fail' every day. I think that the best lesson I can learn is about acceptance, and moving on, and positivity. For example: today I probably ate a few more calories than my alotted few...so I sit here feeling guilty. But I went to the gym this morning, i didn't drink any alcohol, i went for a big walk, and I didn't eat as much as I could have. And yesterday I did really well too...all these wonderul positive things to think about!!
So yes, failure will happen, and I can probably learn from it, and it is all part of the process...but I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm going to dwell in the positive, and try to accept me, forgive me, and move on :-)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
thoughts/feelings/actions
Oh wow....have just had a little lightbulb moment...gosh i love the interweb!!!
Am just reading an article ( http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/644939/many_years_the_story_of_depression.html ) that sparked off a thought about what we feel, and that depression is about how we feel . It seems to tie in beautifully with my recent reading of Martin Seligman (famous non-Dr-Phil American Psychologist). We know that depression is feeling bad, sad, guilty, hopeless, helpless, tired etc etc...yuck. It's about how we feel. We know also that our thoughts influence greatly how we feel (you must all read Learned Optimism by Dr Seligman) and how we feel influences how we act, what we do. I think that the equation works in both directions, ie how we act influences how we feel, and how we feel influences what we think.
THOUGHTS <--> FEELINGS <--> ACTIONS
I have recently learned that no matter how i feel, if I act then i feel a lot better. And also, no matter how i feel, if I think more positively then i feel a lot better. I know that there are lots of people out there who hear the words 'think positive' and want to vomit....so I'm sorry! I'm not talking about pie-in-the-sky optimism...airy fairy stuff that is fantasy...I'm talking about evidence-based reality, like instead of: 'today has been such a crap day' try 'that was irritating when the kids went mental at the shops but the rest of the day was really nice'. I find that I sometimes weigh myself down with negativity...i make everything heavy and hard, but just trying to think differently makes things a lot lighter.
What is most important about all of this is bravery and courage. Acting when you are freaking out, thinking more positively when you are terrified. It's scary as hell, when all you want to do is hide....but it is truly amazing what you can actually get done when you try it, and it is truly amazing how much better you feel. We can have some measure of control over how we feel. And it's important to never give up, just keep swimming! I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:
'Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".' Mary Anne Radmacher.
Am just reading an article ( http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/644939/many_years_the_story_of_depression.html ) that sparked off a thought about what we feel, and that depression is about how we feel . It seems to tie in beautifully with my recent reading of Martin Seligman (famous non-Dr-Phil American Psychologist). We know that depression is feeling bad, sad, guilty, hopeless, helpless, tired etc etc...yuck. It's about how we feel. We know also that our thoughts influence greatly how we feel (you must all read Learned Optimism by Dr Seligman) and how we feel influences how we act, what we do. I think that the equation works in both directions, ie how we act influences how we feel, and how we feel influences what we think.
THOUGHTS <--> FEELINGS <--> ACTIONS
I have recently learned that no matter how i feel, if I act then i feel a lot better. And also, no matter how i feel, if I think more positively then i feel a lot better. I know that there are lots of people out there who hear the words 'think positive' and want to vomit....so I'm sorry! I'm not talking about pie-in-the-sky optimism...airy fairy stuff that is fantasy...I'm talking about evidence-based reality, like instead of: 'today has been such a crap day' try 'that was irritating when the kids went mental at the shops but the rest of the day was really nice'. I find that I sometimes weigh myself down with negativity...i make everything heavy and hard, but just trying to think differently makes things a lot lighter.
What is most important about all of this is bravery and courage. Acting when you are freaking out, thinking more positively when you are terrified. It's scary as hell, when all you want to do is hide....but it is truly amazing what you can actually get done when you try it, and it is truly amazing how much better you feel. We can have some measure of control over how we feel. And it's important to never give up, just keep swimming! I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:
'Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".' Mary Anne Radmacher.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Don't let the bastard get you down!!
I've had a bit of a crappy anxious day today. I'm sure it's because i forgot my pills on the weekend....and i was cutting down a bit anyway. On top of having been reeeeeeeeally busy the last few weeks with my sister's wedding and my husband working overtime etc. Smart aren't I? :-)
But instead of completely freaking out and turning into a quivering mess like I really wanted to, I just kept going. I looked at all the things on my list and I did as much as i could. I went for a walk with the kids, I made cakes and icing, i did washing and i tried to stop the guilty voice from telling that I'm a crap mum for not being blissfully in love with the little darlings today, or for not having a tidier house.
And do you know what? I feel a bit better. And i now have a new motto: don't let the bastard get you down!! I know that action is the biggest thing to make me feel better, sitting around wallowing does not, so I will just keep going, how I feel will not stop me from living my life and doing the things I want to do. I will dwell in the positive, not the negative. I will not let the negative have any power.
But instead of completely freaking out and turning into a quivering mess like I really wanted to, I just kept going. I looked at all the things on my list and I did as much as i could. I went for a walk with the kids, I made cakes and icing, i did washing and i tried to stop the guilty voice from telling that I'm a crap mum for not being blissfully in love with the little darlings today, or for not having a tidier house.
And do you know what? I feel a bit better. And i now have a new motto: don't let the bastard get you down!! I know that action is the biggest thing to make me feel better, sitting around wallowing does not, so I will just keep going, how I feel will not stop me from living my life and doing the things I want to do. I will dwell in the positive, not the negative. I will not let the negative have any power.
Don't judge, don't think, just LIVE
.....or shutup and get on with it as my Dad would say.
Enough said.
Enough said.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The 3 'Ps'
I'm reading an exciting book at the moment, it's called "Learned Optimism" by Dr Martin Seligman, who is a Psychology Professor in Pennsylvania, and who is definitely not like Dr Phil!! It's pretty old, from 1991 I think....but it's wonderful! It has given me a bit of a lightbulb moment with regards to my self-talk.
Let me introduce you to the 3 Ps :-)
Dr Seligman talks about our 'explanatory style', ie the way we make sense of what happens to us. The way we do this can be pessimistic or optimistic....or of course a mix of both :-)
Do we think things that happen to us are
permanent? - going to last forever?
pervasive? - going to infect all areas of our lives?
personal? - all our fault?
Or are they
temporary?
confined to one particular area of our lives?
someone else's fault??? (yay! no, don't worry he does talk about responsibility too)
I've begun to think about how i talk to myself and what i say especially with regards to the 3 Ps....and it's not pretty! But it's sooooo effective to ask yourself:
-is this going to last forever?
- has this ruined my whole life?
- does this mean i'm a terrible person?
The answer so far has been NO!!!
I don't have to be a pessimistic catastrophiser anymore! Joy!
And all jokes aside I think with some practice i might make some progress.
Let me introduce you to the 3 Ps :-)
Dr Seligman talks about our 'explanatory style', ie the way we make sense of what happens to us. The way we do this can be pessimistic or optimistic....or of course a mix of both :-)
Do we think things that happen to us are
permanent? - going to last forever?
pervasive? - going to infect all areas of our lives?
personal? - all our fault?
Or are they
temporary?
confined to one particular area of our lives?
someone else's fault??? (yay! no, don't worry he does talk about responsibility too)
I've begun to think about how i talk to myself and what i say especially with regards to the 3 Ps....and it's not pretty! But it's sooooo effective to ask yourself:
-is this going to last forever?
- has this ruined my whole life?
- does this mean i'm a terrible person?
The answer so far has been NO!!!
I don't have to be a pessimistic catastrophiser anymore! Joy!
And all jokes aside I think with some practice i might make some progress.
a new mission....
...to find things other than food or drink to make me happy.
We've had a lovely weekend...a really relaxing weekend in the country with the in-laws staying in a converted church that they plan to retire in. There was no TV, so lots of time to otherwise fill! Today we went to a National Park, and it was so peaceful, looking right up at those trees that had been there for so long. I have long battled with food and drink....and started to think about what else might make me "happy" besides those things, and why those other things might be better.
Food and drink seem so temporary....and so meaningless in the long term. Yes they are enjoyable - i challenge anyone to disagree with me! But i sense that they are about hiding, and escapism, and avoidance.
So these other things...will they last longer? What will they build? What brings more permanent happiness? What are the other things for me?
- solitude....oh blessed silence!
- music, playing my piano, teaching, listening
- lack of clutter
- my kids
- God...in His purest form, in those 'soul' moments
- reading
Why are these things better than pure physical pleasures?
I suppose food and drink bring extra calories...and they just are what they are...but maybe these other things are about relationship, with me and with others. And maybe they last longer because they feed my soul, they help my soul to grow.
I think that escapism is fine at times...everyone needs to escape. But i want to face my problems and solve them and take action and not just run away. And i want to grow and evolve as a person, i want to make the most of my time on this planet, and especially the most of my short time with my beautiful children who are growing up way too fast.
How exciting...to face the days to come thinking about how i can be happy and relaxed and how i can enjoy each moment!
We've had a lovely weekend...a really relaxing weekend in the country with the in-laws staying in a converted church that they plan to retire in. There was no TV, so lots of time to otherwise fill! Today we went to a National Park, and it was so peaceful, looking right up at those trees that had been there for so long. I have long battled with food and drink....and started to think about what else might make me "happy" besides those things, and why those other things might be better.
Food and drink seem so temporary....and so meaningless in the long term. Yes they are enjoyable - i challenge anyone to disagree with me! But i sense that they are about hiding, and escapism, and avoidance.
So these other things...will they last longer? What will they build? What brings more permanent happiness? What are the other things for me?
- solitude....oh blessed silence!
- music, playing my piano, teaching, listening
- lack of clutter
- my kids
- God...in His purest form, in those 'soul' moments
- reading
Why are these things better than pure physical pleasures?
I suppose food and drink bring extra calories...and they just are what they are...but maybe these other things are about relationship, with me and with others. And maybe they last longer because they feed my soul, they help my soul to grow.
I think that escapism is fine at times...everyone needs to escape. But i want to face my problems and solve them and take action and not just run away. And i want to grow and evolve as a person, i want to make the most of my time on this planet, and especially the most of my short time with my beautiful children who are growing up way too fast.
How exciting...to face the days to come thinking about how i can be happy and relaxed and how i can enjoy each moment!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
i'm back
For anyone who is interested!!!!
I've been reading lots of blogs....i love them...and i feel that i have a few cents to add too...well i hope i do! So i'm going to post on all the stuff that goes on inside my brain and what i've learned, about psychology, weight loss, infertility, ocd, anxiety, self acceptance, kids....and learning how to be JUST ME :-)
I've been reading lots of blogs....i love them...and i feel that i have a few cents to add too...well i hope i do! So i'm going to post on all the stuff that goes on inside my brain and what i've learned, about psychology, weight loss, infertility, ocd, anxiety, self acceptance, kids....and learning how to be JUST ME :-)
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