forgiveness/learning/guilt

hello again! Am a bit happier today as have lost some weight.......but was really thinking last night, is it all worth it, ie is all the struggling worth being skinny? I can't maintain this lifestyle forever, which is what i would need to do to be skinny forever....i just don't think that it's realistic. But i guess it's only really been this year, and i've made progress this year already, mentally....if i don't try i'll never get anywhere.... and when i come up against issues then if i just throw my hands up and say it's too hard and give up then again i'll never get anywhere....but what if it is really really hard???? :-) well then just keep treading water...i've been the way i am for 32 years, it won't change overnight...and i suppose that the harder the issue is to deal with the more progress i will make, ie the more valuable it will be to work through it. But i also think i could stop being so goal oriented and try and enjoy the process a bit more....stop thinking when i get here or there everything will be fine.

I am battling at the moment with feeling deprived and then binging...ie overdoing it...with food/alcohol. That's not helpful...i don't want to undo all my good work.....but mentally it's not balanced or healthy either. A balanced healthy mind would have a bit of this and that and sort through my feelings and be assertive and look after my self and always do the right thing and never feel guilty....WOW!! another light bulb went on!! that sounds just like a PERFECT mind to me, not a normal human one!! I am always aiming for perfection, not to just be human!!! But i don't like being out of control, i don't like binging, i don't like being hungover, i don't like yelling at the kids, i don't like feeling angry and tense, i don't like feeling worried....if i have to accept this as my shadow or as part of being human.....i don't know if i can......because these traits bring me pain. Why are these things painful? because i am hurting myself by doing them because i know they're not rational ways of behaving and because i EXPECT better of myself and feel guilty...... maybe these could be some steps:

- realise when i am behaving in ways that i don't like
- accept that it has happened and don't feel guilty - i am normal
- forgive myself
- learn from it
- give myself time and be patient

Because if i carry on just the same i will cycle from trying to be perfect to blowing up to feeling guilty to trying to be perfect etc etc......if i can do damage control like walking away and taking deep breaths and not trying to figure out the rights and wrongs of a situation, just calm down, then that will be a very good start!!!